I’m impatient, I’m ignorant, I refuse to hold onto hard-earned money and I don’t put enough thought into what I’m doing. Shop owners see me enter their store and their hearts skip a beat.
I can be talked into buying anything: “What are those, suburban driving gloves? You think they’d look good on me? How much? Only $350? Ok, I guess I should.”
If shopping was like trying to stay sober, I’d be Charlie Sheen. If it was a swimming event in the Olympic Games, I’d be representing the People’s Republic of Congo. If it was a test of sanity, I’d be a Scientologist.
Unlike some, I can’t wonder around a shopping centre without a purpose, trying things on and looking for a bargain. Once I get in, I need to get out. I make a bee-line for what I want and then get the hell out of there while I still have my money and dignity.
This kind of attitude leads to clothes that don’t fit properly, wasted money on things I don’t need and a bank account that shudders every time I reach for my debit card.
Honestly, I would rather continue wasting money and making bad purchases than do the required leg work to improve. I just don’t have it in me and I never will.
But, having said all of this, I admire great shoppers. People who buy good gifts are harder to find than my mates when a taxi fare has to be paid.
Good shoppers are the people you want buying for you in a Kris Kringle. They think outside the box, they spread their money around wisely, they use coupons, they shop around and get the right price, they try things on, they keep receipts and they have a great rapport with retail staff.
I put knowledgeable shoppers right up there with people who can kill spiders for me — invaluable in a time of need.
We are now entering the crazy shopping season. Everyone knows its coming, but few prepare themselves.
Shopping centres will soon be packed with stressed out mothers ready to kill at the drop of a hat. Every store will have an amazing special that you MUST take advantage of. B-grade musicians will have moderate success with Christmas albums featuring the 345th different take on Silent Night.
This is the time of year where my terrible-shopping brothers and I get found out. We get confused by the bright lights and attractive girls in Santa hats. We buy something, only to find it 20 minutes later at half the price. We walk in planning to spend $300-400... and leave owing a loan shark named Bruno $2,000.
With all this in mind and in the spirit of Christmas, I’d like to give an apology in advance to the people I’m buying for this year. You know who you are, you’ve politely pretended to like my gifts for years.
I’m going to try and do better this year. I promise.
Socks and undies are still in vogue right?
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