Rich sitting with poor, showered with un-showered, black with white, Collingwood with Carlton - The coming together of people of all ages, demographics and sanity levels on those creaky, sweaty trains is a thing of beauty.
Melbourne’s train service gets an unfair rap. The design of the line is flawed - no one thought to cater for population growth and the city’s wild weather. As a result, trains will always be late, there will always be delays – unless the Government spent a squillion dollars and re-did the whole thing.
Train commuters get a bad rap too. Everyone remembers the crazies, the loud and the oafish. The mild-mannered, normal and well-centred people (which cater for at least 95% of your surroundings) leave you with nothing memorable, nothing worthy of a dramatic or funny Facebook status update.
No one comes home from work and tells his wife, “You won’t believe how quiet and well-mannered the man next to me on the train was today! My train was on time too!”
Those days are forgotten faster than the last winner of Australian X-factor.
I’ve caught the Subway in New York, the Tube in London, the Go in Toronto and the… uh… the le’train in Paris - some have better timetables, some have better air-conditioning, some have better cushions on the chairs, but, basically, they’re all the same. We really don’t have much to complain about.On the very odd occasion I’ve caught a train to work, I’m usually in shock. In shock at how tired I can be at 6am and in shock at the price I pay for a ticket. But, I’m never in shock at the people - people may entertain, but they never surprise.
Dressed in work attire, carrying my ‘business bag’ that has nothing in it but gum, earphones and a book I have no intention of reading, I pass the time listening to music, doing my best not to stare at people and playing the ‘people profile game’.
The people profile game is an exercise in educated guess work. You are only allowed to glance at someone for 5-10 seconds and then you have to come up with a short life story.
This game was perfected while sitting in airports alone around the world. It's guaranteed to stave off boredom for 30-45 minutes.
Let's play.
Bill, 32, is an I.T consultant who makes 150k a year doing something that comes as easily to him as breathing. He’s reached that happy place in his marriage with Nicole, 31, where he can stop caring how he looks in public. He’s looking forward to the next season of Big Bang Theory and wants to put off having kids till he’s finished the new Call of Duty video game. His wife dreams of going overseas and having amazing adventures – he doesn’t see the appeal.
Jess, 27, hates her job, her boyfriend and her life, but, will never stand up for what she wants. Jess thinks that everyone is miserable and she just has to ‘love the one she’s with’. She once studied to be a veterinary nurse, but gave that away. Unfortunately, she’s terrified of the confrontation that comes with change - she’s also terrified of clowns. Her favourite show on TV is Beauty and the Geek and she cries while watching animal documentaries.
Ricky, 19, is wearing his new flat-peaked hat and sunglasses on a cloudy, overcast day. He finally finished off his new sleeve tattoo last week after designing it with his friend Nathan. The tat will finally give him that cool, unique edge he’s been looking for since he grew his fringe out. Ricky wants to know why the elderly people sitting around him have been giggling and holding in a laugh for the entire trip.
George, 72, is fighting the urge to tell the teenager sitting in front of him that there is still a sticker on his hat and the tattoo on his arm is spelt incorrectly. George despises taking the train and relying on someone else to get him where he is going, but, he has no choice – his wife always did the driving for him. George has been a shell of a man since losing Jude four years ago. He writes a letter to her every year on her birthday and leaves it at the root of her favourite tree.
Josh, 22, wants people to take him more seriously. He studies the mannerisms and posture of his hero, George Bush Jnr, while pretending to understand what he’s reading in the Financial Review. His goal in life is to be a CEO and one day talk to a girl about anything besides work and politics. Josh once made a noise complaint in an Amsterdam backpacker’s hostel at 9.30pm – he was laughed out of the country.
Rahul, 38, has lived in Australia for the last eight years after relocating from India. He likes the way the streets don’t smell like death in his new home. Rahul makes enough money to live comfortably and buy the exciting gadgets he sees everyone using on the train, but he sends every spare cent he makes back home to his ex-wife and children. Sending that money away doesn’t anger him nearly as much as watching India lose in the cricket.
Jack, 81, and Pauline, 78, catch the train together on Fridays to babysit their grandchildren who live in Clayton. They’ve been holding hands and slow-dancing in department stores since they got hitched in 1956. They whisper in-jokes to each other and play their own version of the people profile game. Like George, they’ve noticed Ricky’s tattoo is spelt wrong and Pauline almost lent over to peel the sticker off his hat. Jack and Pauline love shocking young people by taking out their iPhones and discussing new apps.
Now, occasionally, looking into the foggy, graffiti-covered windows, you’ll catch a glimpse of the easiest profile target there is.Dominic, 25, will one day base his fatherhood on what he has learnt from Ray Romano, Phil Dunphy and Homer Simpson. He’s scared of spiders, horror films and the return of the TV show Big Brother. He loves his Beagle, his Nonna and spring. His favourite dish is broccoli and pasta. He doesn’t understand why people enjoy burning their mouths with chilli. His next adventure will most likely be his first house and he’s still trying to work out how to conduct himself like an adult.
Dom is waiting, with less and less patience every day, for his real life to begin.
The next time Dom catches a train, he’s going to sit closer to Jack, Pauline and George. He wants to hear some old tales, listen to the in-jokes and, most importantly, be there when Ricky finds out that the letter Z shouldn’t appear in the word ‘established’.
Yep, these are the people you’re catching your next train with.
Enjoy.
